that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
