Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
