so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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