he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize