I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
