I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
