Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
