Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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