I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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