she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
