Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
