in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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