apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
