pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize