I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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