my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
