oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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