I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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