you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
