I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
