Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
