Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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