where am i from again
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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