I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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