Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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