Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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