i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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