I think I died a long time ago.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
