I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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