Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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