Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
