I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
