I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
