I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
