Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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