I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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