my phone needs a breathalizer
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It's blow job season.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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