i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
