Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
