i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Randomize
