there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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