hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
