oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
