and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
