This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
