you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
