Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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