Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
