Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
