I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
