My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
