I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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