your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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