i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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