u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
