it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
