I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize