Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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