i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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