just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
