are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
