Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
