I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
