You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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