I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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